Friday, January 30, 2009

Status Classics

Laney Callaghan de Soto* is thinking that she's off to bed soon.

Absolutely ridiculous.

* Names have been changed to protect the guilty parties.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Great Weavinations

In the morning:
shannza: i am at the coffee shop dreaming of inventing a bacon loom and giggling to myself.
Kay Ho: how do you invent a bacon loom?
shannza: the lady in the bugs bunny sweatshirt talking about bowling thinks i am
laughing at her
Kay Ho: hahahhaha
shannza: think of the pot holder loom
only for bacon
$$$$$$$!!!!!!
Kay Ho: oh like you put bacon on the loom
shannza: to make the weave
Kay Ho: OHHHHHHHHHHHH
riiiiiiiiiiiiight
me:i am still creepily giggling in the corner
Kay Ho: that is DISGUSTING.
shannza: the bugs bunny lady went away
Kay Ho: the loom, not your creepy giggling, though...
arguable.
shannza: SHE is weirded out by ME!
Kay Ho: she should commit.
shannza: uh oh, i just let out a bellow
Kay Ho: she is coming back?
shannza: and a snort
some people just saw me and chose to go to another section
Kay Ho: awesome intercontinental laughter shared
'thanks, google.'
shannza: thanks google
Kay Ho: awesome
shannza: seriously, people are staring
i love it
Kay Ho: own it
shannza: i will. and tonight:
i will weave
Kay Ho: cha-ching

Later that night:

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Great Revelations

To everyone who remembers reading John Updike's A&P in high school: I need to confess that I do not. Nor do I remember reading him in college, and I was an English major. I knew he was important and all that, knew I should know him, but you know how I do with "time" and "reading". I was busy in college, chasing boys and perfecting mascara strokes and what not.

So how about this, then.

About twenty minutes ago I came across A&P in a short story collection and thought I'd give it a spin. By the 7th sentence, my pencil was out and I was scribbling all over it. I was underlining everything that made me shriek in awe, everything that made me laugh out loud, everything I wish I was cool enough to write, everything that was so right on, Johnny...

Within ten minutes I'd marked up all five pages. Whaaaat just happened?!

I am in love with this man!

Before I go any further, here's the gist for those who want to be in the know. [I will be quick and the story is far from pretentious, so don't stop reading. You need to know this for your dinner parties.] Girls walk into a supermarket in which our teenage boy narrator works checkout. Girls are wearing bathingsuits and no shoes. One is chunky. One has a 'chubby berry-face, the lips all bunched together under her nose', and one is simply the queen ('you know, the kind of girl other girls think is very "striking" or "attractive" but never quite makes it, as they very well know, which is why they like her so much'). Boy Wonder at the checkout watches them as they peruse the store. They eventually settle on Kingfish Fancy Herring Snacks in Pure Sour Cream. Manager comes in. (Guess what happens? Read it. This one takes no time, and is therefore worth checking out. Otherwise I'd make something up, we'd pool what we know, and we'd all pretend we've read it. Trust me that I have your back here.)

So I go to google Mr. Updike, to see how old he is, thinking maybe I could seduce him; my husband would be so proud... and I find out - with a quick glance at the first line - that he is 77. Golden. Then I pick up my book, run into my kitchen, ecstatic to share said story with said husband, who proceeds to casually remark: I know can you believe he died today?

Whaaaat?

I'm a little freaked. I don't know whether to cry or bang my head against my book here or squeal promises of dedicating myself to spreading his brainwork.

So this post is in honor of my new love. And clearly, from reading beyond the first line of my google results, an old love of everyone else's. Just look at him down there. He was 76 when he woke up today. Read his story, if you haven't already, or if you haven't in a while ... he gets us. And we need that.




Love is a madness; if thwarted it develops fast.

- "The Memorable Assassination" by Mark Twain

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

For Our New President

Dear President Obama,

Congratulations on the new gig. We here at Great Opinations wish you all the best. In honor of the occasion, I have prepared a mini red velvet cake for you.



Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

No Dream Is Too Big

I don't think I could have imagined as a young(er) girl that I would see it really happen. I daydreamed about it for my children, sure. I hoped and prayed that someone would answer the call, of course. I bumped my records, my musical prayer, late into the dorm room nights while sippin' my juice, no doubt. But did I really believe in my heart of hearts that I would live to see the Christopher Wallace biopic-of-epic-proportions written and unleashed for the masses? No.

Here it is upon us, Friends. This past weekend saw the release of a film that will hopefully help to answer the many questions in our young minds that continue to revolve around the 1990s' East Coast/West Coast Feud and the resulting martyrdom (err...) of two promising young men.

N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S. is now in theaters: Yes. It. Is. And I have yet to see it, which, in the spirit of Great Opinations, is all the more reason to start spinning commentary.

In my most vivid dreams (the ones I have been having nightly, as of late), this film exposes and explains in intricate detail Biggie's ambiguous beef with Tupac. There is full disclosure of a lack of evidence against Suge Knight, and the "are they" or "are they not" in Cuba discussion is confidently indulged (and Cuba confirmed).

My burning questions are answered: Yes, you thought they were rivals, but really, they are BFFs. When Tupac said "Now you’re ‘bout to feel the wrath of a menace," what he meant was, "Can't wait for you to meet my girl, bro. She gotta pass the Biggie test, know wha'm sayin'. I'll call you tomorrow, after church." I find out that they're really not dead, that they are living in a terrestrial limbo of sorts, anxiously awaiting their 2010 collaborative album drop, after which they will emerge from the dead in a second-coming that will renew our faith in the future of hip hop.

The pundits... the pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into East Coast and West Coast; East Coast allegiances to Jay-Z and Wu-tang, West Coast to Dre, Pac, and Snoop. And they've been doing it for almost two decades now. But I've got news for them. We worship an awesome chronic here on the East Coast, and we too tip our hats to bad boys on the West Coast. We appreciate and honor the G-funk on the East Coast, and yes, Raekwon is in our disc rotation on the West. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to good hip hop when we hear it, all of us defending the reputation of the streets.

In the end, that's what this film should be about. Do we let our heroes of hip hop spiral downward, stereotypically, into shameless debauchery, or do we mandate a new level of collaboration that only Cuban dreams are made of? In the spirit of audacious hope, I present the truth that I am almost sure will be revealed in this new film, which is that theirs is the notion of a true team of rivals, and the Biggie-Tupac duo is poised for a real, live catapult back onto the scene.





Friday, January 16, 2009

Resolving To Stay The Same

So I was reading Kay Ho’s post, and learned that apparently gyms are crowded in January due to people pretending that they are actually going to get in shape THIS year. That they are finally going to start going to the gym. Now I am sure Kay Ho supports the effort, but she has a good point. Of course I would not know if gyms are crowded in January, or empty in August. I don’t set foot in those smelly sweat factories.

This goes out to all those peeps who just learned that they should probably stop using the gym as a place to read Twilight or watch Anderson Cooper interview dogs. Listen people: The gym isn’t for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me. So next year, when you are half-heartedly making your Resolutions, be honest with yourself. Don’t waste the money on a month long gym pass. Resolve to pay a bill on time, for once!

But saving on membership fees is only one economic benefit of avoiding the gym. Since you will not be even minimally working out after all the holiday eating, you may notice that the clothes you own and can’t afford to replace are tighter. I say they are not “tighter,” they are “sexier.” Tasteful sweaters become belly shirts. Comfortable jeans become hot pants. And regular coats become LITTLE COATS!



So now we have not angered the regular gym goers, we have saved money, and we are lookin' GOOOOOOOOOD! Best. Resolution. Ever.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Now Wait Just One Second


Did you mean:
great opinions

Great opinions, what the... Google, is that even a word?

Squished

Dear This-Is-Totally-My-Year-To-Get-In-Shape-It's-My-New-Year's-
Resoluuuution!-First-Time-In-A-Decade-Gym-Goer:

I want my workout back!

I'm not going to get nasty, just honor my seniority here. Please stop taking my primo parking, please stop stockpiling your smells-brand-new gym accessories in my favorite locker, and please stop leaving your (semi-)sweaty (have you broken a sweat yet?) sports bras out to dry in my (once-)sanitary sauna.

Stop walking a 30-minute mile on my treadmill, stop reading novels on my elliptical, and stop lifting 3-lb free weights with obnoxious grunts and sighs.

And one more thing. When we are in the locker room tete-a-tete (Me: changing modestly from under a towel, You: poised nude and proud for conversation, going on about the good old days in the City and how you longed for a good steam session at the end of a crazy week because Lord! it is like dessert, laugh laugh chuckle chuckle skin flying everywhere, oh what a life you lived!), please for the love of God stop acting as though we've transcended societal norms, as if this nudist chat is somehow "normal".

It.
Is.
Not.

Dear February, I feel squished. Make it go away.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ordering Roommates Online

In a previous post here at Great Opinations, I mentioned a few money saving tips to help you survive the dire economic climate. I have taken my own advice, and am currently living at home "to save money." However, I don't foresee this being a permanent arrangement. In order to ensure that I am ready to strike out on my own as soon as the situation allows, I recently decided the creep the Craigslist housing pages. Unfortunately, instead of inspiring me, looking through these ads has straight blown my mind. I guess I was (falsely) under the impression that people searching for roommates would be searching for, say, someone who can pay the bills and keep the common areas clean. Silly me. Why stop there? Posting free classified ads to giant audiences means you can get specific. Here are a few representative excerpts from people renting rooms. (I am NOT making these up.)

First:
Ideal roommate would be pro-choice, vegan/vegetarian (**household is meat free**)

OK. Fine. Your house is meat free. Fine. But pro-choice? How on EARTH is that A) ANY of your business? and B) A pre-requisite for renting a room? These are not rhetorical questions. I want to know. For real.

Second:
[Looking for] Vegetarian, queer friendly, community minded, don't smoke anything, socially & environmentally conscious, open-minded, fun yet responsible & respectful, committed to open & honest communication, appreciate clean common areas & don't watch TV (movies okay).


Oh, you will allow me to watch movies? Oh THANKS! I appreciate it! When can I move in? Do you mind if I take a shower? Is it all right if I make a snack? Vegetarian of course! I wouldn't want you to be in the vicinity of meat. I'm going to go to sit on the couch and not watch TV now if that's OK.

And now my personal favorite:

You hopefully are into eating lower on the food chain and living a simple life. You are easy to get a long with but also speak your mind and don't let things well up. Hopefully you like bikes, art and circus but you aren't a hipster and your friends call you humble.

Well, let's see. I feel indifferent about bikes and have never even thought about whether or not I like circuses. Do I still qualify? Is there anyone who likes bikes, art and the circus that ISN'T a hipster? If you are going to describe three things in an ad that you would hope someone is interested in, how can circuses possibly make the cut? Maybe I should lie on my application. I am a non hipster vegan painter cyclist who loves elephants, clowns, and little people. I cannot believe that I found this ad. It's a perfect match!

Now I don't mean to be an out-of-touch traditionalist, but am I the only one who thinks this is out of hand? Posting an ad on Craigslist is not like special ordering a custom computer. Maybe someday we can look forward to robot roommates who eat what we do and enjoy to watch or not watch what we do, but until that glorious day in the future, it looks like you're stuck with me, suckas! Or alternatively, I will be living at home forever. Sigh.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Well-Deserved Positive Note

And you thought we couldn't possibly do sports, too! (Please don't underestimate.)

I am totally speaking on behalf of Shannza and without her permission when I say our hats go off to the San Diego Chargers, as their season has just come to an end.

The following is the real deal San Diego Chargers "fight song", and it comes courtesy of our good friends, Kelley and Tom. After hearing this - and it is (really, no lie) their "actual" fight song - how could one not love and root for the little guys in powder blue?

'Till next year, San Diego. Go Philly.

America Needs a Lil' Suze

So, on the note of being broke, I'd like to go big-picture for a minute.

As the Debbie Downer (wamp waaaah) to Shannza's Positive Paula, I present to you a compelling video analysis of the current economic crisis that will no doubt encourage you to heed the advice below, while simultaneously asking yourself: What (the hell) would Suze Orman do (now)?

As if watching the History Channel's Last Days on Earth (I highly recommend it) wasn't enough to make me want to carry around a lethal dose of sleeping pills "just in case", today I watched this 30-minute, fairly comprehensive (though at times incomprehensible), clip from I.O.U.S.A.

Holy mother, we are screwed.

Though I've never been one for "economics," "balanced budgets," or "math in general," I took quite a bit away from this video, the least of which was solace.

Here's what I learned:

1) Mom was right. I should have been and should be "saving". Fair enough. But when US Weekly calls, she calls, and she's worth every penny. What if there's a nuclear attack tomorrow. Gone will be the fund for that "rainy day", so at least I will die in relative peace knowing how Jennifer Aniston "does it"...

2) Maybe that pack of peanut M&Ms wasn't worth the "free" credit card (college freshmen take note). Apparently there is no such thing as "free" anything. (Dammit!) (Tear.)

3) Maybe "mercantilism" isn't such a dirty word after all.

4) Fear "China".

5) "Treasury secretaries" drive sick cars. I recommend getting yourself one in these dire times. (A treasury secretary, that is. Show of hands: Who thinks Paulson's a hottie?! I knew it. Ditto that.)

Anyway, educate yourself.
Here's to Lifetime movies, and caviar dreams.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Top 5 Ways To Save Money During These Tough Economic Times

Hi. How are you? Broke? Me too. But don't worry. I have compiled a list of five money saving ideas to help you survive these tough economic times.

1. Move in with your parents.


I know, this may seem drastic. But there is no better way to save money than to stop paying rent. Yes, it may crush your soul, break your spirit, and compromise your will to live, but think of the savings! And think of how much you will appreciate your self sufficiency once the economy recovers and you move out!

2. Offer to get the next one.

This money saving technique is risky. The person who gets the first round must sincerely believe that you are either staying around for the next one, or are planning on getting together again soon. It is important that you make your exit seem unexpected. Maybe you get a "phone call" and have to leave right away. Or look at your watch, express shock, and dash out apologetically. Either way, you just partook in a social activity, and kept your wallet full of Washingtons. Win-Win!

(note: If you get caught exercising this technique, your friend might think you are a "jerk" or "freeloader." Your friend will be correct, but this post isn't "Top 5 Ways To Be A Good Friend.")

3. Get on the bus.


Stop paying for parking, gas, car insurance, scented trees, and speeding tickets. Why pay for a convenient, time saving, independent and fun form of transportation when you could experience the adventure of public transportation? Think of the whimsy of buses off schedule, people pushing and shoving you, sitting next to crying babies and sulking teenagers. Think of the hours spent waiting on the sides of busy streets. The stories you will have! The people watching you can do! And the money you will save.

4. Sleep more.

The cheapest thing that you can do (especially when you are living at someone else's place) is sleep. You are not eating, drinking, shopping, or using much electricity. As a bonus, you will be able to sleep through the worst of the financial crisis. I recommend 12-14 hours per night. It might take a few days to get your body used to this routine, but once you do, the savings will start adding up. When you come home from work (should you be so lucky), simply go to bed, and stay there until it's time to go to work again.

5. Lifetime Movies


If you do crave some sort of entertainment, look no further than basic cable. The Lifetime network is full of cinematic masterpieces that are sure to entertain. With plots that include cheating husbands, promiscuous teens and domestic violence, valuable lessons come with each film. I recommend Not Without My Daughter, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, Brave New Girl (Nice literary reference, Lifetime!), and A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Bolsheviks, Dear

So odds are good that someday you are going to find yourself at a dinner party - amongst ten or so people, around a too-small table, all making polite small-talk conversation as the wine is being poured, all anxiously anticipating the meal that has been "in the works" for two hours longer than anyone expected... (you've been there, I know)... everybody's "hungry"... can't think of much else other than food... food now, anything, please, a crumb - where someone is going to bring up "the Bolsheviks".

Worse than that, you may someday find out on a "Friday" that you have to teach the Russian Revolution on "Monday" because "it's gonna be on the final" which is "days away" and you still haven't "gotten to it."

Here's to quickly making sure you're up on your revolutionaries.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I think of the Bolsheviks I think of little orphan Annie; not the book so much (remember...), but the movie with Albert Finney. I remember the way he said "Bolsheviks," (a deep, gargled, muffling), and the way Grace Farrell calmly said, "The Bolsheviks, dear," when Annie asked who would want to kill Mr. Warbucks. (I know, right?) The Bolsheviks wanted to kill Mr. Warbucks because, according to Grace, he was "living proof that the American system really works." And the Bolsheviks didn't want anyone to know that.

Point #1. If you like the American system, you should not like the Bolsheviks. Put yourself back into the dinner conversation scenario, and practice your response to Pretentious Peter: "Oh, yeah, ridiculous not wanting anyone to know that the American system actually [throw up your air quotes] 'works'!" Ha - ha, jokes on them, those damn Bolsheviks. And you have contributed. No need to opine beyond that, let the rest of 'em suck on the details. You can now relax and return to massively consuming all that is before you. Because you're starving, you're an American (dammit), and you deserve it.

To be fair, the Bolsheviks would've understood your hunger and would've been the first at your dinner party to happily make sure there was bread for all the guests, let alone the first to pass it. That's all they really wanted for everybody - bread... and peace... and land. (And worker control of production, and all power to the Soviets, but whatever, the point is that you should attempt to empathize before you judge. They would "get" you.)

To wrap this up, it was the Bolsheviks' dedication to violent revolution (think opposite of Gandhi) that allowed them, under Lenin, to ultimately seize the Winter Palace and overthrow the provincial government. (There's some more catchy jargon for you.)

Boom - enter Communists, and the major problems of the twentieth century are in full bloom.

Shove that up Pretentious Peter's pipe. And then tell him Mark Twain would call the 'Viks idiots too, because he felt it took as much brains to hold onto money as was needed to make it, and that the money would end up back in the owners' hands eventually anyway. Tell him to chew on that. And then go for seconds.

This discussion on the Bolsheviks and the Russian Revolution is now open. Share what you know.

(Here's a courtesy clip to accompany the lecture. Fast-forward to 7:10/9:58 and enjoy from there, if pressed for time.)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Profound Celebrity Insights


Shannza: Hi. How are you?
Kay Ho: i am good, ready to embrace '09
Shannza: yay!
Kay Ho: i am feeling HOPEFUL about this year (as oprah just pointed out it is 'the year of hope, HOPE WON')
Shannza: she gets it, as always
Kay Ho: she really does, and i am not ashamed to shout it!!!
Shannza: that's hilarious.
Kay Ho: she is also annoying, often.
Shannza: i am glad you said that.
Kay Ho: are you watching this by any chance right now?
Shannza:it's not on until 4 here
Kay Ho: oh riiigght - sorry - she just did the type of 'self-interview' (first half hour of show) that i used to do in front of my mirror with a hairbrush.
Shannza: sometimes she inflates the importance of things.
Kay Ho: NOT everyone needs or wants to hear it.
Shannza: about her weight?
Kay Ho: yeah - and i was thinking she should probably just be writing that in her diary... i know people can relate... but sum it up... economy of words, Ope.
Kay Ho: and NOW carnie wilson is talking on oprah.
"and my friend said 'Carnie, you need to love yourself.'"
Shannza: please tell me it's chris farley imitating her
Kay Ho: LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING
Shannza: hot damn i just shrieked with lol-ter
Kay Ho: 'it's more about going to a place inside of me that knows that as i woman i deserve to be healthy, and feel happy... and i realize now that it's not about 'am i happy?'"
what, carnie? what the hell are you talking about?
Shannza: that made no sense and i just read it twice
Kay Ho: AWESOME. you are profound.
Shannza:this week in profound realizations by rich celebrities…
today, tom cruise realizes that the most important thing is his family
later: angelina jolie discovers the beauty of childrens' laughter
Kay Ho: YES!
Shannza: too bad we are secretly inspired by the celebrities
Kay Ho: perfection.
Kay Ho: oprah: 'what turned it around for you, carnie?'
Shannza: FRENCH FRIES
Kay Ho: carnie: 'well i met a man.'
Shannza: WHAT???????
Kay Ho: no joke
Shannza: for real? she said a man?
Kay Ho: you have to watch it
Shannza: i will
Kay Ho: she expanded a bit beyond that, but the rest meant nothing
Shannza: the man made her realize that she was a valuable human etc...
that's so messed up. thanks ope
Kay Ho: i am more ashamed than ever.
Shannza: to be a woman?
or to watch oprah?
Kay Ho: ahhahha - BOTH.
really ope? really? this is the best life?
Shannza: OH REALLY!
the best life is dieting and dating
by oprah winfrey
Kay Ho: really. huh.
Shannza: hmm.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Welcome to our Blog!

Our lovable little blog here is inspired by the great Samuel Clemens, who once opined that "A classic is something everyone wants to have read, but nobody wants to read." Well, Mark, we feel the same way. So here on Great Opinations, we discuss books that we desperately want to imbibe - books that look and "sound" great - though we can't bring ourselves to actually sacrifice the time for reading and contemplating that we might otherwise spend on Facebook or Gmail chat.

Recent problem solving with regards to this "ultimate quagmire" brought us to a point in which we realized that we could pool what we know - or, "let's be honest", what we think we know, which is good enough - about a given book, thereby giving us just enough verbal fodder to make it through dress-to-impress conversations and blind dates.

And then we got really creative.

Loving ourselves and our ideas, we continued to opine over the limitless extensions of such a blogspot. We feel that we owe it to our readers to opine on more than just books. You, Reader, want our opinations on music theory, world history, art, the U.S. government, Russia, and profound celebrity statements just as much as on literature, we know. So we'll do that. We'll also let you have "C" access to strictly "A and B" gmail chats.

We welcome your thinking, but reserve the right to edit it.

The bottom line is that we want you to be up on things, too.

(You're welcome.)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Beginning

Shannza: ha ha! we should start a blog
K-Ho: can we????
because our ideas are THAT great. (laughing out loud, as always with you, at my desk)
Shannza: didn't you start one last year? all of our ideas!
this might be the technology we have been waiting for!
K-Ho: i sort of attempted to start one
Shannza: no you didn't
K-Ho: i did, with my kids, but not really. remember my student: "mad props to the new york times for letting me peep their images" or something like that... when i told him he had to cite photos 'stolen' from the web.  i was like 'um, ok.... yeah, that works!'
Shannza: yeah, that's what i meant. i loved his blog post
K-Ho: he's hilarious
and doesn't even know it, which is even funnier
Shannza: sometimes that's the best kind
K-Ho: ok i have to run home before oprah (i am walking)
Shannza: HA
K-Ho: it's her Best Life Week
K-Ho: (half-kidding, but totally not kidding)
i am not ditching you for Oprah
Shannza: sure
i was like that about sandwich day
K-Ho: sandwich day?????
Shannza: last week on oprah
K-Ho: I SAW IT
Shannza: gail's sandwich mission
LOVED IT
K-Ho: i am with you on the same page.
LOVED IT
Shannza: ok. but holla at me
K-Ho: hello! we are $5 sandwich buddies... $5 make you holla
Shannza: yeah buddy
K-Ho: absolutely - on the flip side
Shannza: bye