Top 5 Ways To Make Money During These Tough Economic Times

My fellow Americans,

We are in the midst of The Greatest Crisis Since The Great Depression. Times are tough. But don't worry. Here at Great Opinations, I have some fail safe, risk free solutions to help you through it. Trust me. If your bills are adding up while your income shrinks, then these ideas are for you:

1. Request a bailout (and be Too Big To Fail.)

Hey, if it worked for an industry that is manufacturing cars than no one wants, it can work for you. Set up a hearing in congress, drive to it in a hybrid car, and and describe the chaos and devastation that will result if you don't get your bonuses and have to start traveling coach. For good measure, blame the unions. Watch the money roll in.

2. File a frivolous lawsuit.

Engage in the proud American tradition of excessive litigation. Throw yourselves in front of a fancy car, slip and fall in the lobby of a big corporation, "find" rat droppings in your pre-packaged food, and sue, sue, sue!

(This option has the added bonus of public adoration when the people see you bring down The Man.)

3. Invent something awesome.

I would give you an example, but I don't want to give anything away. You are not the only one who needs money! I will, however, provide some tips. First, invent something that will cost people a lot of money. Second, make it really awesome so that people will want to buy it. You will cash in in no time.

4. Mail me your gold.

For a small fee, I will collect your gold, sell it to a pawnshop, and send you your percentage. Avoid the hassle of doing it yourself. But don't worry. I am totally trustworthy.

5. Buy my Feng Shui Finance Crystals.

These fabulous crystals will add much needed positive energy to your house. Hang them near where you pay your bills and watch your financial fortune turn. For only $39.95, you can get your set today. AND, for every person you get to buy them, you will get a commission. The more people you get to buy, the more money YOU make! If you can't afford to buy these, then you can't afford NOT to. Order today!

Good luck!
shannza

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

Sehr geehrte Kelley,

Du hast 29! Wir sind so eifersüchtig, dass Sie genießen es in der schönen Puerto Rico. Es tut uns leid, dass wir nicht in der Lage, für unsere Geburtstage zusammen in diesem Jahr, und nicht in der Lage waren, eine Drei-Wege-KEG Partei. Aber wir hoffen, dass Sie den Tag und Jahr, sind erstaunlich.

Liebe,
Kay Ho und shannza

This Book Can Be Found On Canal Street

Well looky what we have here... a new book to review and discuss: How to Talk About Books You Haven't Read, by Pierre Bayard (translated by Jeffrey Mehlman). A book with a catchy title, in fact. Good one, Monsieur Bayard. Came up with that on your own, didja?

(Ahem)

Which brings us to a segment we like to call REALLY!?! With Kay Ho and shannza.

Really Pierre Bayard?! Really. You went ahead and wrote a book about 'how to talk about books you haven't read' and thought we wouldn't notice? Really? That's like dressing up like the Pope and running into a bank with a ski mask over your face demanding the tellers hand over their first borns, and thinking that you won't get caught. We obviously noticed. I mean really.

Really.

And really, Frenchie? Really?! You come up with this 'novel' idea (pun intended), but couldn't even muster the energy to translate your thinking into English on your own? Way to appeal to the masses. Way to try to reach all of your audiences. I mean really, you needed to hire someone to translate it? Really?! That's like running one lap around a high school track and then pretending that you pulled a muscle (I'm guessing you would go with groin) and then taking a three hour liquid lunch, and saying you just had the BEST workout. I mean really.

And furthermore, the French magazine Les Inrockuptibles wrote that you, Pierre Bayard, "With rare humor, [blah blah blah blah blah]." Really, Pierre? Did they really just call you rare? They also wrote about your book that people "may not be able to forget it." That's funny, because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go ahead and forget it. I mean really. (I swear.)

Really.

Huh.

And really?!? You claim people don't need to read books ... but then you want them to read your book? Really!?! Was your mother on crystal meth when you were being born? I mean really! That's like telling a hungry twenty-nine year old in the produce section of the grocery store not to stealthily steal some grapes or, say, imitation crab meat from the salad bar when the kid working that aisle turns away. It just doesn't make sense.

Which actually brings us to an even newer segment of our blog that we like to call OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!

Seriously, are you serious, man? The new hardcover version of your book is listed on Amazon for $56.54... Oh my god, are you serious!?! Does this global economic recession mean nothing to you?! That's like selling a knock-off Prada for original price, like promising Jesus and delivering a hungover hippie. Thankfully, stiff competition will likely drive down that price. But seriously, are you serious? I mean really.

Really?!?

Huh.

Tsk, tsk, Pierre.

Watch and learn:

*A special thank you to Seth and Amy of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update for thinking of "Really?!?!" first. We will admit that it was originally their idea.