Sunday, March 15, 2009

Top 5 Ways To Make Money During These Tough Economic Times

My fellow Americans,

We are in the midst of The Greatest Crisis Since The Great Depression. Times are tough. But don't worry. Here at Great Opinations, I have some fail safe, risk free solutions to help you through it. Trust me. If your bills are adding up while your income shrinks, then these ideas are for you:

1. Request a bailout (and be Too Big To Fail.)
Hey, if it worked for an industry that is manufacturing cars than no one wants, it can work for you. Set up a hearing in congress, drive to it in a hybrid car, and and describe the chaos and devastation that will result if you don't get your bonuses and have to start traveling coach. For good measure, blame the unions. Watch the money roll in.
2. File a frivolous lawsuit.
Engage in the proud American tradition of excessive litigation. Throw yourselves in front of a fancy car, slip and fall in the lobby of a big corporation, "find" rat droppings in your pre-packaged food, and sue, sue, sue!

(This option has the added bonus of public adoration when the people see you bring down The Man.)
3. Invent something awesome.
I would give you an example, but I don't want to give anything away. You are not the only one who needs money! I will, however, provide some tips. First, invent something that will cost people a lot of money. Second, make it really awesome so that people will want to buy it. You will cash in in no time.
4. Mail me your gold.
For a small fee, I will collect your gold, sell it to a pawnshop, and send you your percentage. Avoid the hassle of doing it yourself. But don't worry. I am totally trustworthy.
5. Buy my Feng Shui Finance Crystals.
These fabulous crystals will add much needed positive energy to your house. Hang them near where you pay your bills and watch your financial fortune turn. For only $39.95, you can get your set today. AND, for every person you get to buy them, you will get a commission. The more people you get to buy, the more money YOU make! If you can't afford to buy these, then you can't afford NOT to. Order today!

Good luck!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

Sehr geehrte Kelley,

Du hast 29! Wir sind so eifersüchtig, dass Sie genießen es in der schönen Puerto Rico. Es tut uns leid, dass wir nicht in der Lage, für unsere Geburtstage zusammen in diesem Jahr, und nicht in der Lage waren, eine Drei-Wege-KEG Partei. Aber wir hoffen, dass Sie den Tag und Jahr, sind erstaunlich.

Kay Ho und shannza

This Book Can Be Found On Canal Street

Well looky what we have here... a new book to review and discuss: How to Talk About Books You Haven't Read, by Pierre Bayard (translated by Jeffrey Mehlman). A book with a catchy title, in fact. Good one, Monsieur Bayard. Came up with that on your own, didja?


Which brings us to a segment we like to call REALLY!?! With Kay Ho and shannza.

Really Pierre Bayard?! Really. You went ahead and wrote a book about 'how to talk about books you haven't read' and thought we wouldn't notice? Really? That's like dressing up like the Pope and running into a bank with a ski mask over your face demanding the tellers hand over their first borns, and thinking that you won't get caught. We obviously noticed. I mean really.


And really, Frenchie? Really?! You come up with this 'novel' idea (pun intended), but couldn't even muster the energy to translate your thinking into English on your own? Way to appeal to the masses. Way to try to reach all of your audiences. I mean really, you needed to hire someone to translate it? Really?! That's like running one lap around a high school track and then pretending that you pulled a muscle (I'm guessing you would go with groin) and then taking a three hour liquid lunch, and saying you just had the BEST workout. I mean really.

And furthermore, the French magazine Les Inrockuptibles wrote that you, Pierre Bayard, "With rare humor, [blah blah blah blah blah]." Really, Pierre? Did they really just call you rare? They also wrote about your book that people "may not be able to forget it." That's funny, because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go ahead and forget it. I mean really. (I swear.)



And really?!? You claim people don't need to read books ... but then you want them to read your book? Really!?! Was your mother on crystal meth when you were being born? I mean really! That's like telling a hungry twenty-nine year old in the produce section of the grocery store not to stealthily steal some grapes or, say, imitation crab meat from the salad bar when the kid working that aisle turns away. It just doesn't make sense.

Which actually brings us to an even newer segment of our blog that we like to call OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!

Seriously, are you serious, man? The new hardcover version of your book is listed on Amazon for $56.54... Oh my god, are you serious!?! Does this global economic recession mean nothing to you?! That's like selling a knock-off Prada for original price, like promising Jesus and delivering a hungover hippie. Thankfully, stiff competition will likely drive down that price. But seriously, are you serious? I mean really.



Tsk, tsk, Pierre.

Watch and learn:

*A special thank you to Seth and Amy of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update for thinking of "Really?!?!" first. We will admit that it was originally their idea.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Mr. Jindal -Two Dollars Means a Snack For Me, But It Means a Big Deal to You

And to think that while watching last Sunday's Meet the Press, I was thinking 'Yikes, I kiiiiiiind of agree with him'...

I was getting comfortable with this little Louisiana governor questioning the idea of borrowing all of that stimulus money on the condition that his state permanently change its eligibility rules for unemployment. He argued this was not fair. That Louisiana would be spending a dollar over the long-term to borrow a penny now ... it seemed counterintuitive to me too, so I kind of agreed with him.

Only to read that he is talking about denying a drop in the bucket of the funds he is being handed. And this mandate about the rules may not be so permanent after all. He is just another squawk box. His response to the-love-of-my-life-Obams was horrendous, to say he paled in comparison is a cliched understatement. And in the end I am so glad he was chosen to be 'that guy', because the Repubs are clearly looking for their own messiah, thought they'd found him, and really maybe he would've looked alright at a fair distance ... but put him up next to The Man - the MAN - and he's going to look like the biggest loser at best.

Biggest Loser.

And worse yet, he rained on Slumdog's parade, and I am not happy about that. That was poor timing, Bobby! India cannot take over America in a week.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

And Then a Birthday, Birthday, Birthday, for YOU!

One day belated, but you know what they say about Aquarians - we like to keep the party goin' all night long, sometimes into the next day even. (Pretty sure that's what they say.)

Dear Shannza,

Working with you on Great Opinations has been better than fresh gnarly pow on a bluebird day (at any place other than Gunstock). It has been better than bacon, better than playing Enrique Iglesias's 'Escape' on repeat (but not by much), and better than waking up next to twin Kirk Dices.

Cheers to your year, Bloggy!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Birthday, Birthday, Birthday for you

Dear Kay Ho,

Working with you on Great Opinations has been better than $5 Lunch (but not much, because that was awesome). I look forward to reading more of your insightful posts now that you are older and wiser than you were yesterday.

Happy Birthday!

Jack Black - Birthday Song


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Will Totally Do You This Favor

In an earlier post, I casually mentioned the money saving technique of Offering To Get The Next One, and then skipping out before it’s time for said round. And ever since, well, no one wants to get the first round anymore. I am totally busted.

I have been thinking about it, and have come up with a plan. Since my financial situation is both dire - and now public - it would be futile to offer any sort of monetary or material gestures of gratitude.

After much deliberation, I have come up with the perfect way to repay the generosity of my friends and peers, who have so helpfully ponied up at happy hours and lunches.

I hereby would like to extend the offer to House Sit for you. I know, I know. How could I be so generous? It’s such a HUGE favor. I know. And I am willing to sacrifice. Because your kindness means a lot to me, and I want to do what’s right.

It can be stressful to leave a safe and clean house unattended while you go… wherever it is you go. I know what you are asking yourself:

Are the cats being fed? Is my house safe from petty criminals? Are my perishables rotting? Is that wine going to go bad? What if I forget to TiVo my favorite shows?

Well, I will gladly take care of everything. Except the cats. I am not a pet lover so don’t even ask. Leave some money on the counter for the neighbor kid to do it, and I will be sure she gets it. I swear.

So here is what I will do:
  • I will take long, hot showers to ensure that the pipes don’t freeze.
  • I will eat any and all perishables and drink everything in your house. To make sure it doesn’t go to waste, of course.
  • I will go through your TiVo for you and delete stuff so that you don’t run out of space. But if you leave a list of your favorite shows, I will be happy record them for you (if they don’t conflict with my favorite shows).
  • I will also leave the lights on all night to deter thieves. I will even have people over every night to make sure that no one would ever think that the house was unattended. Of course, I would rather not have to throw wild parties, but I WOULD. For safety’s sake.
  • If you leave a credit card I will pay your bills, even. And order Netflix for you. And pizza. And the snuggie. And the Slap Chop. I will do all of that. For you.
You’re Welcome.