I Will Totally Do You This Favor

In an earlier post, I casually mentioned the money saving technique of Offering To Get The Next One, and then skipping out before it’s time for said round. And ever since, well, no one wants to get the first round anymore. I am totally busted.

I have been thinking about it, and have come up with a plan. Since my financial situation is both dire - and now public - it would be futile to offer any sort of monetary or material gestures of gratitude.

After much deliberation, I have come up with the perfect way to repay the generosity of my friends and peers, who have so helpfully ponied up at happy hours and lunches.

I hereby would like to extend the offer to House Sit for you. I know, I know. How could I be so generous? It’s such a HUGE favor. I know. And I am willing to sacrifice. Because your kindness means a lot to me, and I want to do what’s right.

It can be stressful to leave a safe and clean house unattended while you go… wherever it is you go. I know what you are asking yourself:

Are the cats being fed? Is my house safe from petty criminals? Are my perishables rotting? Is that wine going to go bad? What if I forget to TiVo my favorite shows?

Well, I will gladly take care of everything. Except the cats. I am not a pet lover so don’t even ask. Leave some money on the counter for the neighbor kid to do it, and I will be sure she gets it. I swear.

So here is what I will do:

• I will take long, hot showers to ensure that the pipes don’t freeze.

• I will eat any and all perishables and drink everything in your house. To make sure it doesn’t go to waste, of course.

• I will go through your TiVo for you and delete stuff so that you don’t run out of space. But if you leave a list of your favorite shows, I will be happy record them for you (if they don’t conflict with my favorite shows).

• I will also leave the lights on all night to deter thieves. I will even have people over every night to make sure that no one would ever think that the house was unattended. Of course, I would rather not have to throw wild parties, but I WOULD. For safety’s sake.

• If you leave a credit card I will pay your bills, even. And order Netflix for you. And pizza. And the snuggie. And the Slap Chop. I will do all of that. For you.

You’re Welcome.