Top 5 Ways To Make Money During These Tough Economic Times

My fellow Americans,

We are in the midst of The Greatest Crisis Since The Great Depression. Times are tough. But don't worry. Here at Great Opinations, I have some fail safe, risk free solutions to help you through it. Trust me. If your bills are adding up while your income shrinks, then these ideas are for you:

1. Request a bailout (and be Too Big To Fail.)

Hey, if it worked for an industry that is manufacturing cars than no one wants, it can work for you. Set up a hearing in congress, drive to it in a hybrid car, and and describe the chaos and devastation that will result if you don't get your bonuses and have to start traveling coach. For good measure, blame the unions. Watch the money roll in.

2. File a frivolous lawsuit.

Engage in the proud American tradition of excessive litigation. Throw yourselves in front of a fancy car, slip and fall in the lobby of a big corporation, "find" rat droppings in your pre-packaged food, and sue, sue, sue!

(This option has the added bonus of public adoration when the people see you bring down The Man.)

3. Invent something awesome.

I would give you an example, but I don't want to give anything away. You are not the only one who needs money! I will, however, provide some tips. First, invent something that will cost people a lot of money. Second, make it really awesome so that people will want to buy it. You will cash in in no time.

4. Mail me your gold.

For a small fee, I will collect your gold, sell it to a pawnshop, and send you your percentage. Avoid the hassle of doing it yourself. But don't worry. I am totally trustworthy.

5. Buy my Feng Shui Finance Crystals.

These fabulous crystals will add much needed positive energy to your house. Hang them near where you pay your bills and watch your financial fortune turn. For only $39.95, you can get your set today. AND, for every person you get to buy them, you will get a commission. The more people you get to buy, the more money YOU make! If you can't afford to buy these, then you can't afford NOT to. Order today!

Good luck!
shannza

I Will Totally Do You This Favor

In an earlier post, I casually mentioned the money saving technique of Offering To Get The Next One, and then skipping out before it’s time for said round. And ever since, well, no one wants to get the first round anymore. I am totally busted.

I have been thinking about it, and have come up with a plan. Since my financial situation is both dire - and now public - it would be futile to offer any sort of monetary or material gestures of gratitude.

After much deliberation, I have come up with the perfect way to repay the generosity of my friends and peers, who have so helpfully ponied up at happy hours and lunches.

I hereby would like to extend the offer to House Sit for you. I know, I know. How could I be so generous? It’s such a HUGE favor. I know. And I am willing to sacrifice. Because your kindness means a lot to me, and I want to do what’s right.

It can be stressful to leave a safe and clean house unattended while you go… wherever it is you go. I know what you are asking yourself:

Are the cats being fed? Is my house safe from petty criminals? Are my perishables rotting? Is that wine going to go bad? What if I forget to TiVo my favorite shows?

Well, I will gladly take care of everything. Except the cats. I am not a pet lover so don’t even ask. Leave some money on the counter for the neighbor kid to do it, and I will be sure she gets it. I swear.

So here is what I will do:

• I will take long, hot showers to ensure that the pipes don’t freeze.

• I will eat any and all perishables and drink everything in your house. To make sure it doesn’t go to waste, of course.

• I will go through your TiVo for you and delete stuff so that you don’t run out of space. But if you leave a list of your favorite shows, I will be happy record them for you (if they don’t conflict with my favorite shows).

• I will also leave the lights on all night to deter thieves. I will even have people over every night to make sure that no one would ever think that the house was unattended. Of course, I would rather not have to throw wild parties, but I WOULD. For safety’s sake.

• If you leave a credit card I will pay your bills, even. And order Netflix for you. And pizza. And the snuggie. And the Slap Chop. I will do all of that. For you.

You’re Welcome.

Resolving To Stay The Same

So I was reading Kay Ho’s post, and learned that apparently gyms are crowded in January due to people pretending that they are actually going to get in shape THIS year. That they are finally going to start going to the gym. Now I am sure Kay Ho supports the effort, but she has a good point. Of course I would not know if gyms are crowded in January, or empty in August. I don’t set foot in those smelly sweat factories.

This goes out to all those peeps who just learned that they should probably stop using the gym as a place to read Twilight or watch Anderson Cooper interview dogs. Listen people: The gym isn’t for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me. So next year, when you are half-heartedly making your Resolutions, be honest with yourself. Don’t waste the money on a month long gym pass. Resolve to pay a bill on time, for once!

But saving on membership fees is only one economic benefit of avoiding the gym. Since you will not be even minimally working out after all the holiday eating, you may notice that the clothes you own and can’t afford to replace are tighter. I say they are not “tighter,” they are “sexier.” Tasteful sweaters become belly shirts. Comfortable jeans become hot pants. And regular coats become LITTLE COATS!



So now we have not angered the regular gym goers, we have saved money, and we are lookin' GOOOOOOOOOD! Best. Resolution. Ever.

Ordering Roommates Online

In a previous post here at Great Opinations, I mentioned a few money saving tips to help you survive the dire economic climate. I have taken my own advice, and am currently living at home "to save money." However, I don't foresee this being a permanent arrangement. In order to ensure that I am ready to strike out on my own as soon as the situation allows, I recently decided the creep the Craigslist housing pages. Unfortunately, instead of inspiring me, looking through these ads has straight blown my mind. I guess I was (falsely) under the impression that people searching for roommates would be searching for, say, someone who can pay the bills and keep the common areas clean. Silly me. Why stop there? Posting free classified ads to giant audiences means you can get specific. Here are a few representative excerpts from people renting rooms. (I am NOT making these up.)

First:
Ideal roommate would be pro-choice, vegan/vegetarian (**household is meat free**)

OK. Fine. Your house is meat free. Fine. But pro-choice? How on EARTH is that A) ANY of your business? and B) A pre-requisite for renting a room? These are not rhetorical questions. I want to know. For real.

Second:
[Looking for] Vegetarian, queer friendly, community minded, don't smoke anything, socially & environmentally conscious, open-minded, fun yet responsible & respectful, committed to open & honest communication, appreciate clean common areas & don't watch TV (movies okay).

Oh, you will allow me to watch movies? Oh THANKS! I appreciate it! When can I move in? Do you mind if I take a shower? Is it all right if I make a snack? Vegetarian of course! I wouldn't want you to be in the vicinity of meat. I'm going to go to sit on the couch and not watch TV now if that's OK.

And now my personal favorite:

You hopefully are into eating lower on the food chain and living a simple life. You are easy to get a long with but also speak your mind and don't let things well up. Hopefully you like bikes, art and circus but you aren't a hipster and your friends call you humble.

Well, let's see. I feel indifferent about bikes and have never even thought about whether or not I like circuses. Do I still qualify? Is there anyone who likes bikes, art and the circus that ISN'T a hipster? If you are going to describe three things in an ad that you would hope someone is interested in, how can circuses possibly make the cut? Maybe I should lie on my application. I am a non hipster vegan painter cyclist who loves elephants, clowns, and little people. I cannot believe that I found this ad. It's a perfect match!

Now I don't mean to be an out-of-touch traditionalist, but am I the only one who thinks this is out of hand? Posting an ad on Craigslist is not like special ordering a custom computer. Maybe someday we can look forward to robot roommates who eat what we do and enjoy to watch or not watch what we do, but until that glorious day in the future, it looks like you're stuck with me, suckas! Or alternatively, I will be living at home forever. Sigh.

America Needs a Lil' Suze

So, on the note of being broke, I'd like to go big-picture for a minute.

As the Debbie Downer (wamp waaaah) to Shannza's Positive Paula, I present to you a compelling video analysis of the current economic crisis that will no doubt encourage you to heed the advice below, while simultaneously asking yourself: What (the hell) would Suze Orman do (now)?

As if watching the History Channel's Last Days on Earth (I highly recommend it) wasn't enough to make me want to carry around a lethal dose of sleeping pills "just in case", today I watched this 30-minute, fairly comprehensive (though at times incomprehensible), clip from I.O.U.S.A.

Holy mother, we are screwed.

Though I've never been one for "economics," "balanced budgets," or "math in general," I took quite a bit away from this video, the least of which was solace.

Here's what I learned:

1) Mom was right. I should have been and should be "saving". Fair enough. But when US Weekly calls, she calls, and she's worth every penny. What if there's a nuclear attack tomorrow. Gone will be the fund for that "rainy day", so at least I will die in relative peace knowing how Jennifer Aniston "does it"...

2) Maybe that pack of peanut M&Ms wasn't worth the "free" credit card (college freshmen take note). Apparently there is no such thing as "free" anything. (Dammit!) (Tear.)

3) Maybe "mercantilism" isn't such a dirty word after all.

4) Fear "China".

5) "Treasury secretaries" drive sick cars. I recommend getting yourself one in these dire times. (A treasury secretary, that is. Show of hands: Who thinks Paulson's a hottie?! I knew it. Ditto that.)

Anyway, educate yourself.

Here's to Lifetime movies, and caviar dreams.

Top 5 Ways To Save Money During These Tough Economic Times

Hi. How are you? Broke? Me too. But don't worry. I have compiled a list of five money saving ideas to help you survive these tough economic times.

1. Move in with your parents.

I know, this may seem drastic. But there is no better way to save money than to stop paying rent. Yes, it may crush your soul, break your spirit, and compromise your will to live, but think of the savings! And think of how much you will appreciate your self sufficiency once the economy recovers and you move out!

2. Offer to get the next one.

This money saving technique is risky. The person who gets the first round must sincerely believe that you are either staying around for the next one, or are planning on getting together again soon. It is important that you make your exit seem unexpected. Maybe you get a "phone call" and have to leave right away. Or look at your watch, express shock, and dash out apologetically. Either way, you just partook in a social activity, and kept your wallet full of Washingtons. Win-Win!

(note: If you get caught exercising this technique, your friend might think you are a "jerk" or "freeloader." Your friend will be correct, but this post isn't "Top 5 Ways To Be A Good Friend.")

3. Get on the bus.

Stop paying for parking, gas, car insurance, scented trees, and speeding tickets. Why pay for a convenient, time saving, independent and fun form of transportation when you could experience the adventure of public transportation? Think of the whimsy of buses off schedule, people pushing and shoving you, sitting next to crying babies and sulking teenagers. Think of the hours spent waiting on the sides of busy streets. The stories you will have! The people watching you can do! And the money you will save.

4. Sleep more.

The cheapest thing that you can do (especially when you are living at someone else's place) is sleep. You are not eating, drinking, shopping, or using much electricity. As a bonus, you will be able to sleep through the worst of the financial crisis. I recommend 12-14 hours per night. It might take a few days to get your body used to this routine, but once you do, the savings will start adding up. When you come home from work (should you be so lucky), simply go to bed, and stay there until it's time to go to work again.

5. Lifetime Movies


If you do crave some sort of entertainment, look no further than basic cable. The Lifetime network is full of cinematic masterpieces that are sure to entertain. With plots that include cheating husbands, promiscuous teens and domestic violence, valuable lessons come with each film. I recommend Not Without My Daughter, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, Brave New Girl (Nice literary reference, Lifetime!), and A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story.