I Will Totally Do You This Favor

In an earlier post, I casually mentioned the money saving technique of Offering To Get The Next One, and then skipping out before it’s time for said round. And ever since, well, no one wants to get the first round anymore. I am totally busted.

I have been thinking about it, and have come up with a plan. Since my financial situation is both dire - and now public - it would be futile to offer any sort of monetary or material gestures of gratitude.

After much deliberation, I have come up with the perfect way to repay the generosity of my friends and peers, who have so helpfully ponied up at happy hours and lunches.

I hereby would like to extend the offer to House Sit for you. I know, I know. How could I be so generous? It’s such a HUGE favor. I know. And I am willing to sacrifice. Because your kindness means a lot to me, and I want to do what’s right.

It can be stressful to leave a safe and clean house unattended while you go… wherever it is you go. I know what you are asking yourself:

Are the cats being fed? Is my house safe from petty criminals? Are my perishables rotting? Is that wine going to go bad? What if I forget to TiVo my favorite shows?

Well, I will gladly take care of everything. Except the cats. I am not a pet lover so don’t even ask. Leave some money on the counter for the neighbor kid to do it, and I will be sure she gets it. I swear.

So here is what I will do:

• I will take long, hot showers to ensure that the pipes don’t freeze.

• I will eat any and all perishables and drink everything in your house. To make sure it doesn’t go to waste, of course.

• I will go through your TiVo for you and delete stuff so that you don’t run out of space. But if you leave a list of your favorite shows, I will be happy record them for you (if they don’t conflict with my favorite shows).

• I will also leave the lights on all night to deter thieves. I will even have people over every night to make sure that no one would ever think that the house was unattended. Of course, I would rather not have to throw wild parties, but I WOULD. For safety’s sake.

• If you leave a credit card I will pay your bills, even. And order Netflix for you. And pizza. And the snuggie. And the Slap Chop. I will do all of that. For you.

You’re Welcome.

Resolving To Stay The Same

So I was reading Kay Ho’s post, and learned that apparently gyms are crowded in January due to people pretending that they are actually going to get in shape THIS year. That they are finally going to start going to the gym. Now I am sure Kay Ho supports the effort, but she has a good point. Of course I would not know if gyms are crowded in January, or empty in August. I don’t set foot in those smelly sweat factories.

This goes out to all those peeps who just learned that they should probably stop using the gym as a place to read Twilight or watch Anderson Cooper interview dogs. Listen people: The gym isn’t for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me. So next year, when you are half-heartedly making your Resolutions, be honest with yourself. Don’t waste the money on a month long gym pass. Resolve to pay a bill on time, for once!

But saving on membership fees is only one economic benefit of avoiding the gym. Since you will not be even minimally working out after all the holiday eating, you may notice that the clothes you own and can’t afford to replace are tighter. I say they are not “tighter,” they are “sexier.” Tasteful sweaters become belly shirts. Comfortable jeans become hot pants. And regular coats become LITTLE COATS!



So now we have not angered the regular gym goers, we have saved money, and we are lookin' GOOOOOOOOOD! Best. Resolution. Ever.

Squished

Dear This-Is-Totally-My-Year-To-Get-In-Shape-It's-My-New-Year's-
Resoluuuution!-First-Time-In-A-Decade-Gym-Goer:

I want my workout back!

I'm not going to get nasty, just honor my seniority here. Please stop taking my primo parking, please stop stockpiling your smells-brand-new gym accessories in my favorite locker, and please stop leaving your (semi-)sweaty (have you broken a sweat yet?) sports bras out to dry in my (once-)sanitary sauna.

Stop walking a 30-minute mile on my treadmill, stop reading novels on my elliptical, and stop lifting 3-lb free weights with obnoxious grunts and sighs.

And one more thing. When we are in the locker room tete-a-tete (Me: changing modestly from under a towel, You: poised nude and proud for conversation, going on about the good old days in the City and how you longed for a good steam session at the end of a crazy week because Lord! it is like dessert, laugh laugh chuckle chuckle skin flying everywhere, oh what a life you lived!), please for the love of God stop acting as though we've transcended societal norms, as if this nudist chat is somehow "normal".

It.

Is.

Not.

Dear February, I feel squished. Make it go away.