America Needs a Lil' Suze

So, on the note of being broke, I'd like to go big-picture for a minute.

As the Debbie Downer (wamp waaaah) to Shannza's Positive Paula, I present to you a compelling video analysis of the current economic crisis that will no doubt encourage you to heed the advice below, while simultaneously asking yourself: What (the hell) would Suze Orman do (now)?

As if watching the History Channel's Last Days on Earth (I highly recommend it) wasn't enough to make me want to carry around a lethal dose of sleeping pills "just in case", today I watched this 30-minute, fairly comprehensive (though at times incomprehensible), clip from I.O.U.S.A.

Holy mother, we are screwed.

Though I've never been one for "economics," "balanced budgets," or "math in general," I took quite a bit away from this video, the least of which was solace.

Here's what I learned:

1) Mom was right. I should have been and should be "saving". Fair enough. But when US Weekly calls, she calls, and she's worth every penny. What if there's a nuclear attack tomorrow. Gone will be the fund for that "rainy day", so at least I will die in relative peace knowing how Jennifer Aniston "does it"...

2) Maybe that pack of peanut M&Ms wasn't worth the "free" credit card (college freshmen take note). Apparently there is no such thing as "free" anything. (Dammit!) (Tear.)

3) Maybe "mercantilism" isn't such a dirty word after all.

4) Fear "China".

5) "Treasury secretaries" drive sick cars. I recommend getting yourself one in these dire times. (A treasury secretary, that is. Show of hands: Who thinks Paulson's a hottie?! I knew it. Ditto that.)

Anyway, educate yourself.

Here's to Lifetime movies, and caviar dreams.

Top 5 Ways To Save Money During These Tough Economic Times

Hi. How are you? Broke? Me too. But don't worry. I have compiled a list of five money saving ideas to help you survive these tough economic times.

1. Move in with your parents.

I know, this may seem drastic. But there is no better way to save money than to stop paying rent. Yes, it may crush your soul, break your spirit, and compromise your will to live, but think of the savings! And think of how much you will appreciate your self sufficiency once the economy recovers and you move out!

2. Offer to get the next one.

This money saving technique is risky. The person who gets the first round must sincerely believe that you are either staying around for the next one, or are planning on getting together again soon. It is important that you make your exit seem unexpected. Maybe you get a "phone call" and have to leave right away. Or look at your watch, express shock, and dash out apologetically. Either way, you just partook in a social activity, and kept your wallet full of Washingtons. Win-Win!

(note: If you get caught exercising this technique, your friend might think you are a "jerk" or "freeloader." Your friend will be correct, but this post isn't "Top 5 Ways To Be A Good Friend.")

3. Get on the bus.

Stop paying for parking, gas, car insurance, scented trees, and speeding tickets. Why pay for a convenient, time saving, independent and fun form of transportation when you could experience the adventure of public transportation? Think of the whimsy of buses off schedule, people pushing and shoving you, sitting next to crying babies and sulking teenagers. Think of the hours spent waiting on the sides of busy streets. The stories you will have! The people watching you can do! And the money you will save.

4. Sleep more.

The cheapest thing that you can do (especially when you are living at someone else's place) is sleep. You are not eating, drinking, shopping, or using much electricity. As a bonus, you will be able to sleep through the worst of the financial crisis. I recommend 12-14 hours per night. It might take a few days to get your body used to this routine, but once you do, the savings will start adding up. When you come home from work (should you be so lucky), simply go to bed, and stay there until it's time to go to work again.

5. Lifetime Movies


If you do crave some sort of entertainment, look no further than basic cable. The Lifetime network is full of cinematic masterpieces that are sure to entertain. With plots that include cheating husbands, promiscuous teens and domestic violence, valuable lessons come with each film. I recommend Not Without My Daughter, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, Brave New Girl (Nice literary reference, Lifetime!), and A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story.